Addiction

I come from a family that produces offspring with a tendency toward addiction, particularly alcohol, but not exclusively. Up until now I could get obssessive for 2 or 3 days when I came across something that caught my interest. When I write I can be very tunnel-visioned for a few days, but until now I can honestly say I haven’t been bit by this family curse, and of all things it is an online game. For years I wanted to find a medieval-type game to play, but all the ones I knew about required hand-eye dexterity that I lack in profusion. Then just before Christmas I came across Evony. I thought it would only last about a week, but here I am still spending hours a day, and what is confusing is it hasn’t been fun for a while. It has had it’s positive points: it added structure to my unstructured day and in those first fun days pulled me out of a months’ long depression.

It is a game of alliances building cities, troops and fighting wars against each other. I really enjoyed the people in my alliance and enjoyed getting to know them. They taught me how to play, and I began to care about them as people. The problem is that this game is 24/7, demanding constant upkeep, and I got quite good and became a mid-level officer in the alliance. So now when everything is screaming this is no longer a good thing in my life, at least until I can do it sanely, I feel stuck, like these people are depending on me. It’s a game. It is ridiculous. Then why can’t I treat it that way? It has to be something other than the obvious. I may still not have exhaustive self-knowledge, but I think I can say this is unique in my experience. It is hitting some essential inner cord that points to a need that I’ve been ignoring and need to address.
My guess is it is the people, but are relationships real in an unreal environment? People tell me no. Then why do they feel real with the inherent obligations of friendship? I am very, very confused, and I really don’t like it.

People say, “Never say never.” Here is the latest humbling experience to show me the continuing truth of yet another adage of human collective wisdom. I have some major weaning to do.